It is the middle of the night or the start of a new day — I don’t quite know. I feel suspended upside down in a vacuum—a throbbing ache in my heart, wrapped in deep sadness and an overwhelming sense of loss.
I have laid awake– remembering, rewinding, and playing back the tape of my life. There are memories — primarily good ones. But today isn’t going to be one of those. It has been a rough day and a worse night, and I am mourning a very close and dear friend.
I can’t stop but feel sadness for his small, close-knit family. We all know life goes on, but does it? How do they fill the gap left behind? I don’t know. I will try and go through the motions of another day and then another. Hoping that one day I will do what I must. As Thoreau said:
“On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living- that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend’s life also, in our own, to the world.”
I am not ready. I am not ready to say goodbye. Yet!
August 3rd, 2022. San Francisco